and then there was (almost) 2 under 2

In March, I was chatting with some of my female neighbors. One with a fresh babe, the other with a babe on the way, and me, surviving the most high-maintenance baby of my life and that was enough. So fast forward 1.5 months later, it's Margot's first birthday party. I'm over-heating and feeling so incredibly nauseous. Then the thought crept in my mind. NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT. I was going to have another baby.  So what did I do? I trekked on for another week or so, then I couldn't trek on anymore. My nausea and exhaustion were winning. I dug out the 1 of 2 pregnancy tests from the previous time I took a test. I do what you're supposed to do and I wait. With Margot my test turned within seconds but this time, I was going to have to wait, and wait, and wait.  What do I see? A very confusing, faint line that might mean I was pregnant. I went to Target, bought more tests and took them all. I was indeed pregnant.

The next steps were kind of a blur but I gathered my three tests and walked to the living room and threw said tests at my husband, mumbling something along the lines of "you did this to me." No judgement from you other mommas. But I WAS NOT having another baby. Except for I really was. 

At the time, I had just lost my health insurance the month before and was having issues attaining it again. It wasn't until 14 weeks that I found a clinic to do an ultrasound. Thank God for funded affordable clinics! I wanted to make sure that everything was OK more or less. That's when I saw the little babe for the 1st time. By this time, the babe wasn't a blob or a bean. I could see head, toes, fingers, and SO much movement. The woman asked me if I could feel it and I spouted of some scientific well you don't feel the baby until x number of weeks, so no. I realized later that I really was feeling those movements. Sometimes it takes an ultrasound of your belly to get perspective that life was happening and things were going to change and adapt again. 
So there you have it, welcoming baby in December.  A phrase I never thought I'd say. 

My Little Valentine

Here we are and this girl is almost 10 months old. She's exactly how I imagined her to be after the first 24 hours with her. She's stubborn and strong. She's joyful and doesn't want to miss out on a single thing which is both frustrating and endearing. She slept for the first time last month in her crib. It was easy putting her down for naps and bedtime. But now, that she can stand and scoot and move around. She doesn't want to miss anything. So now it's like we are back to the beginning of no sleeping but this time Margot moves and can injure herself.  Cheers to never sleeping again. 

Our weekly photos are getting harder and harder to take. Staged photos are a nightmare. Friends, I felt like the worst mom after this one. The majority of the photos are blurry because this little one can't sit still. Margot ate process sugar and dyes for the first time EVER. I couldn't keep these conversation hearts out of her reach quick enough. I would find a handful in her mouth and she would scream every time I took them out of her little mouth. This girl is crazy. Ah, but I love her. 

What Margot is wearing: Leggings- l'oved baby organics, Turban- Vannusco, Knitted Top- Maruma Kids

A Venter Christmas

Turbans: Van Nus Co
Stocking: Shutterfly

My Heart Became Bigger

Early on in my pregnancy, before most people knew I was pregnant, I told a friend, mentor, and overall, a kickass mom that I was pregnant. To be honest, she kind of already knew because she's smart.  Plus, I can't lie to her, really I can't lie at all. But there are some people in life that the moment they ask you a simple question like "Where should we eat?" You tell them everything and you realize you've told them everything except for where you want to eat. That's this person for me. But that's okay because she really does want to know. Bless her.

This day in particular, she dropped off her daughter to a bible study, I met her on a street corner in the dark. Becausee we're shady people. We walked to the charming, Downtown Orange Circle to go eat dinner and gelato. As we're chatting, a heavy conversation stems. I don't talk to a lot of people often and there aren't a lot of people I trust with how I feel especially when life has been a bit dark in life. I always hate sounding negative because I know that bad things don't define my life, even when it seems like it does. I'm just in what feels like a never ending season and I pray that it doesn't last for 40 years in the desert. Another day though. 

During our conversations, I try to make it a point to find a silver-lining or something I'm truly grateful for. I do this as a way to take a step back and ground myself.  But this time,  at 16 weeks in my pregnancy, I made the connection that I was going to love more. That at that moment, I was grateful that God instilled in me that capacity to be able to love more. I felt grateful that even after loving Jesus for the better part of my life, He still teaches me how to love. Because the deeper you love, the more layers there are. The year before I was married and daily am learning how to love in that capacity of continuous love and choice. But now, a tiny human from that love was growing inside me. I was thankful that my capacity to love was growing, knowing I had no idea what that really meant. 

Fast forward, here she is at 16 weeks and I continuously stare at her in amazement. Even on our worst days, when I haven't showered or slept in days. I stare at her intricate little details. Her perfect fingers, her perfect toes. Her big, blue eyes and contagious smile. Heck, her cute little tush becomes a focal point. When she sleeps I watch the rise and fall of her chest, usually holding back tears, in part, because I'm terrified I will wake her and the other fear that I won't be able to stop. Because I love her that much. 

These Yellow Socks

On Journaling: it hasn't happened for me. I haven't even written down Margot's birth story. If you hadn't heard my daughter is VERY hands on. We're working on it.

But objects and small details. I think I can manage a couple of these. 

1. these little socks 

[because although we can't get this sleep thing down, these socks have not wavered. They've been on this girl's feet for 3 days now. Please no judgement we've had a rough few days. Sadly, I have no idea where they are from, they were a random hand me down from another's hand me down pile.] 

Letters to Margot

Well if there is one thing I've learned about being your mama thus far it's that you play by your own rules. A trait that I will someday be so proud of you for. As for today, I'm just going to make another jug of coffee. ☕️