Early on in my pregnancy, before most people knew I was pregnant, I told a friend, mentor, and overall, a kickass mom that I was pregnant. To be honest, she kind of already knew because she's smart. Plus, I can't lie to her, really I can't lie at all. But there are some people in life that the moment they ask you a simple question like "Where should we eat?" You tell them everything and you realize you've told them everything except for where you want to eat. That's this person for me. But that's okay because she really does want to know. Bless her.
This day in particular, she dropped off her daughter to a bible study, I met her on a street corner in the dark. Becausee we're shady people. We walked to the charming, Downtown Orange Circle to go eat dinner and gelato. As we're chatting, a heavy conversation stems. I don't talk to a lot of people often and there aren't a lot of people I trust with how I feel especially when life has been a bit dark in life. I always hate sounding negative because I know that bad things don't define my life, even when it seems like it does. I'm just in what feels like a never ending season and I pray that it doesn't last for 40 years in the desert. Another day though.
During our conversations, I try to make it a point to find a silver-lining or something I'm truly grateful for. I do this as a way to take a step back and ground myself. But this time, at 16 weeks in my pregnancy, I made the connection that I was going to love more. That at that moment, I was grateful that God instilled in me that capacity to be able to love more. I felt grateful that even after loving Jesus for the better part of my life, He still teaches me how to love. Because the deeper you love, the more layers there are. The year before I was married and daily am learning how to love in that capacity of continuous love and choice. But now, a tiny human from that love was growing inside me. I was thankful that my capacity to love was growing, knowing I had no idea what that really meant.
Fast forward, here she is at 16 weeks and I continuously stare at her in amazement. Even on our worst days, when I haven't showered or slept in days. I stare at her intricate little details. Her perfect fingers, her perfect toes. Her big, blue eyes and contagious smile. Heck, her cute little tush becomes a focal point. When she sleeps I watch the rise and fall of her chest, usually holding back tears, in part, because I'm terrified I will wake her and the other fear that I won't be able to stop. Because I love her that much.