Bumpdate: 38 Weeks

I've been horrible at documenting this pregnancy. Same with my last. I wish I was better at time-management. Maybe that'll be a New Year's goal this year. I have a long list of crap that hasn't been done and I feel like I disappoint lots of people with the stuff that I don't do. But, for this moment, what can I do.  Moving on. 

This pregnancy has been really weird. I see a higher risk dr because of my preeclamsia with Margot. Sometimes it's stressful because everything always comes back fine but every small thing that comes up, requires more testing or more stress. I would say a majority of my appointments end with, oh by the way, I don't like one result so please go take this blood test before you leave. I stress about the results, don't receive a call, but luckily everything is online eventually, and all is fine. On Monday, I had one of those appointments. My doctor, who I should add, I am grateful that she cares enough to pay attention to the little things, told me EVERYTHING was looking perfect and she didn't need to see me until the NEXT Friday. Which would be almost 2 weeks away and 3 days before my due date. I'm sitting here thinking, "wow, okay. whew." Then she begins to check my big belly and gives me a look. I hate looks. 

My belly had a rash on it. Mind you, I had a wool sweater on, I just had a HOT shower, and had recently put lotion on, and have been getting a million stretch marks a night. So naturally, I'm not worried. But she was. She checks baby's heart rate, all was good. She then tells me, she's afraid my liver might have an infection and I need to get blood work immediately to determine if she was going to induce on Thursday. Even if everything came back clear she now wanted to see me at the end of the week again to check again.  Drama, drama, drama. I get my results at 3 am. All looked great except one thing, then I googled that, and thought my kidney's were failing. Turns out, I'm pretty sure I misread that at 3 am. So Here we are, Wednesday, and as far as I know, I AM NOT having a baby tomorrow. But sometimes with my dr, you just never know. Also if you know anything about our life, you would think, naturally, there'd be a baby came into this world with rather dramatically. But here, we are 38 weeks and I've never been pregnant for this long. I've surpassed my personal goals of thanksgiving, and almost, knock on wood, December 1.  Let's see how long I can last. 

Growing Pains

Can I be honest? This week was REALLY difficult for me. I felt like I just sucked at being an adult. Nothing I did was right. My schedule was a mess, I wasn't sleeping, and there was just too much to do. I felt inadequate in all my roles. Like really inadequate. I would have loved to have sat at a coffee shop and cried my eyes out. Ain't nobody got time for that. Yet, there is time for yelling, apparently. Sheesh, I should probably reevaluate. My husband is a go-getter (it's a good thing, normally) and impulsively made all these changes in our 400 square foot beach shack without letting me process any of them. Which has been a trend since we've moved in. Now, when I come home, I look around thinking, I never pictured that, that's not me. For instance, I live in the bluest interior house that I never imaged myself living in. Small details seep into my day, our shoes no longer have a home, and there is no space for more storage, things like that. It's okay. Now breath. 

Growing pains. Life pains. Marriage pains. Self pains. 

It will all be okay. 

On the bright side of this week and all the weeks before, I've learned in my adult years a valuable lesson in breathing. A deep breath can change a lot. A deep breath brings clarity and brings to light what I'm feeling. Sometimes after a deep breath I feel the heaviness of life and what I've been suppressing, sometimes after a good deep breath tears happen, and other times a deep breath brings freedom. The point is, it slows life down for a brief moment to actually think and gather thoughts. This week I found moments while walking the dog and seeing Grey whales so close I could touch them and gave myself the time to walk 4 miles. I felt really lucky, and immediately knew to thank God for that. I worked at the Ritz Carlton this weekend and although I'm working, I know to feel really lucky because you can't beat the views and the mass of the sea and how powerful that feeling really is. Its rather breath taking. And in those moments, I'm reminded at how majestic He really is. 

View fullsize

And everything will be okay. 

Breath.

Give it time.