Introducing Selah Jo Wild

On Wednesday, December 20, 2017, our family welcomed a new baby girl into our lives. For that we are eternally grateful. She is Here. She might not be home with us or in our arms but she's alive and currently thriving. She's proven to be a strong little fighter and this mama will hug her for all of her days for being so strong. Even on the days where strong is difficult. 

Here she is at 5 days old. She nearly has all of her wires, electrodes, and iv's removed. Someday soon we hope she won't have to hear beeping machines as her normal white noise. 

(a more detailed story coming soon, this mama is currently still really exhausted and finding words to say) 

Bumpdate: 38 Weeks

I've been horrible at documenting this pregnancy. Same with my last. I wish I was better at time-management. Maybe that'll be a New Year's goal this year. I have a long list of crap that hasn't been done and I feel like I disappoint lots of people with the stuff that I don't do. But, for this moment, what can I do.  Moving on. 

This pregnancy has been really weird. I see a higher risk dr because of my preeclamsia with Margot. Sometimes it's stressful because everything always comes back fine but every small thing that comes up, requires more testing or more stress. I would say a majority of my appointments end with, oh by the way, I don't like one result so please go take this blood test before you leave. I stress about the results, don't receive a call, but luckily everything is online eventually, and all is fine. On Monday, I had one of those appointments. My doctor, who I should add, I am grateful that she cares enough to pay attention to the little things, told me EVERYTHING was looking perfect and she didn't need to see me until the NEXT Friday. Which would be almost 2 weeks away and 3 days before my due date. I'm sitting here thinking, "wow, okay. whew." Then she begins to check my big belly and gives me a look. I hate looks. 

My belly had a rash on it. Mind you, I had a wool sweater on, I just had a HOT shower, and had recently put lotion on, and have been getting a million stretch marks a night. So naturally, I'm not worried. But she was. She checks baby's heart rate, all was good. She then tells me, she's afraid my liver might have an infection and I need to get blood work immediately to determine if she was going to induce on Thursday. Even if everything came back clear she now wanted to see me at the end of the week again to check again.  Drama, drama, drama. I get my results at 3 am. All looked great except one thing, then I googled that, and thought my kidney's were failing. Turns out, I'm pretty sure I misread that at 3 am. So Here we are, Wednesday, and as far as I know, I AM NOT having a baby tomorrow. But sometimes with my dr, you just never know. Also if you know anything about our life, you would think, naturally, there'd be a baby came into this world with rather dramatically. But here, we are 38 weeks and I've never been pregnant for this long. I've surpassed my personal goals of thanksgiving, and almost, knock on wood, December 1.  Let's see how long I can last. 

and then there was (almost) 2 under 2

In March, I was chatting with some of my female neighbors. One with a fresh babe, the other with a babe on the way, and me, surviving the most high-maintenance baby of my life and that was enough. So fast forward 1.5 months later, it's Margot's first birthday party. I'm over-heating and feeling so incredibly nauseous. Then the thought crept in my mind. NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT. I was going to have another baby.  So what did I do? I trekked on for another week or so, then I couldn't trek on anymore. My nausea and exhaustion were winning. I dug out the 1 of 2 pregnancy tests from the previous time I took a test. I do what you're supposed to do and I wait. With Margot my test turned within seconds but this time, I was going to have to wait, and wait, and wait.  What do I see? A very confusing, faint line that might mean I was pregnant. I went to Target, bought more tests and took them all. I was indeed pregnant.

The next steps were kind of a blur but I gathered my three tests and walked to the living room and threw said tests at my husband, mumbling something along the lines of "you did this to me." No judgement from you other mommas. But I WAS NOT having another baby. Except for I really was. 

At the time, I had just lost my health insurance the month before and was having issues attaining it again. It wasn't until 14 weeks that I found a clinic to do an ultrasound. Thank God for funded affordable clinics! I wanted to make sure that everything was OK more or less. That's when I saw the little babe for the 1st time. By this time, the babe wasn't a blob or a bean. I could see head, toes, fingers, and SO much movement. The woman asked me if I could feel it and I spouted of some scientific well you don't feel the baby until x number of weeks, so no. I realized later that I really was feeling those movements. Sometimes it takes an ultrasound of your belly to get perspective that life was happening and things were going to change and adapt again. 
So there you have it, welcoming baby in December.  A phrase I never thought I'd say. 

My Heart Became Bigger

Early on in my pregnancy, before most people knew I was pregnant, I told a friend, mentor, and overall, a kickass mom that I was pregnant. To be honest, she kind of already knew because she's smart.  Plus, I can't lie to her, really I can't lie at all. But there are some people in life that the moment they ask you a simple question like "Where should we eat?" You tell them everything and you realize you've told them everything except for where you want to eat. That's this person for me. But that's okay because she really does want to know. Bless her.

This day in particular, she dropped off her daughter to a bible study, I met her on a street corner in the dark. Becausee we're shady people. We walked to the charming, Downtown Orange Circle to go eat dinner and gelato. As we're chatting, a heavy conversation stems. I don't talk to a lot of people often and there aren't a lot of people I trust with how I feel especially when life has been a bit dark in life. I always hate sounding negative because I know that bad things don't define my life, even when it seems like it does. I'm just in what feels like a never ending season and I pray that it doesn't last for 40 years in the desert. Another day though. 

During our conversations, I try to make it a point to find a silver-lining or something I'm truly grateful for. I do this as a way to take a step back and ground myself.  But this time,  at 16 weeks in my pregnancy, I made the connection that I was going to love more. That at that moment, I was grateful that God instilled in me that capacity to be able to love more. I felt grateful that even after loving Jesus for the better part of my life, He still teaches me how to love. Because the deeper you love, the more layers there are. The year before I was married and daily am learning how to love in that capacity of continuous love and choice. But now, a tiny human from that love was growing inside me. I was thankful that my capacity to love was growing, knowing I had no idea what that really meant. 

Fast forward, here she is at 16 weeks and I continuously stare at her in amazement. Even on our worst days, when I haven't showered or slept in days. I stare at her intricate little details. Her perfect fingers, her perfect toes. Her big, blue eyes and contagious smile. Heck, her cute little tush becomes a focal point. When she sleeps I watch the rise and fall of her chest, usually holding back tears, in part, because I'm terrified I will wake her and the other fear that I won't be able to stop. Because I love her that much. 

Slowing Down

I'm in the process of slowing down. Some of it forced, some of it is from things ending. I worked for about 60 days straight. That was fun. I actually didn't feel overly exhausted but I did have early mornings and late nights and a majority of it was all based on deadlines. My one qualm through the entire process was it was 60 days of waking up earlier than normal and then knowing a month later or so later, i'm going to lose my slow mornings for a very LONG time. I slept until 8am today, that was progress. 

Another qualm [with no one to blame but myself] is the lack meditating on the realization that BIG changes are happening in less than 30 days. If you haven't caught on yet, I'm about 36 weeks pregnant. Don't worry if you feel behind the times, i've only just now been more outward about it, vocally and physically. After about 6months, it becomes harder to hide that growing babe in the belly. 

So for these next few days, I vow to TRY to process more.