I've been contemplating reasons why I don't journal as much anymore. And I think a lot of the reasons boil down to one simple phrase. "I don't feel like myself," thus I don't really like myself because I don't know myself right now. I'm starting to realize that what I knew of "myself" were rooted in a lot of things that I never realized were components of who I was or viewed myself as. Whether that is the people I surrounded myself with, my appearance, or the things that I enjoy doing. That parallels what my roles in life are now..... and I haven't been able to find intersecting points. So the part of me that I know is running on but I'm not on that track. I'm on the side of what my life has become in new, different roles. That basically are a bunch of growing pains.
My current one has been my weight. I don't think I'm too big. Given, I don't want to be this big but it is what it is. I've always been curvy...size xs on top and medium on bottom. I know how to dress for that, I know what looks good. what fits. what feels like me. I know how to be confident in that skin. I worked out my woes with being bottom-heavy long ago. But now, the gift of marriage that keeps on giving has lead me to gaining about 20ish pounds. (The hubs cooks really not healthy, good food. I eat lots of carbs and starches now.) Oh yeah, the gift of marriage. I'm now more like a medium on top and largish on bottom. If you were to go into my closet and go through all my clothes (I HAVE A LOT OF CLOTHES, I never get rid of anything) and you saw me on a regular basis. You would clearly notice that I don't wear 3/4 of those clothes. These clothes sort of loom over what I once was. I keep thinking in, a couple of months, they won't fit so snug. Then a couple of months passes and more of my clothes don't fit.
The body is strange and weight is connected to the body. It's not always as simple to shed some pounds as one might think. I'm still trying to find my balance finding the correlation between my old and new defining roles.
Recognizing myself as a twenty-something (closer to the thirty mark), Jesus follower, wife, animal-mama, friend, sometimes writer, sometimes photographer, and recognizing myself with a little more junk in the trunk.